CDT Day 21 (6/8/23)

Zero miles

Verbatim

Today I didn’t sleep very well which is unfortunate. A plethora of dirt fell off my body when I soap and rinsed in the shower. You can really tell the difference that soap makes when you’re cleaning dirt which as morphed and congealed to skin over the course of three weeks of desert hiking. Because of this shower my balls didn’t hurt while I slept. Which is amazing. There’s a nice new layer of soft skin growing. Old skin just sloughs away like an old sunburn peeling.

I didn’t sleep well because my mom’s alarm went of at 4am (7am eastern). Or, perhaps it wasn’t an alarm but was rather the Lewiston Public School calling about a bus route adjustment. Either way it was pretty obnoxious. Waking up with nothing to do in a dark hotel room made me miss the trail. Sitting here writing is making me miss the trial.

We went to Balboa park in San Diego. Our waitress, Alexa, was attractive I thought. So was a random lady who made eye contact with me in the Japanese gardens. It’s nice to start seeing other women as attractive. It pissed me off about L though. —.

At the Japanese garden we went to the Koi Pond. A heron came along and stalked up to edge of the pond. It snatched a little Koi fish! In minutes. It was actually kind of sad. The fish in that pond are so accustomed to “out of water” bodies feeding and throwing crumbs that several fish of varying sizes swam right next to the rock on which the heron stalked. They were expecting to be fed. Instead one was food.

After Balboa Park we drove through traffic and it was nauseating. We ate Thai with Jonny and he showed us funny Dr. skits on Youtube. It was nice to see him feeling happy and accomplished. He described what his next year looks like. He will be working OBGYN for two days a week. Family practice for two days. And then having a lecture on Public Health on Fridays. He’ll make about —k in salary. That sounds like a great gig! I joked that if I found a pastoring job in the area we could be house mates.

My mom later commented about how she didn’t understand how I could be a pastor if I though “that if God is real he sucks”. That frustrated me. That sentiment will always frustrate me.

Post Note

It was a unique experience to “see” other women. Moving on is really hard. And being moved on from is hard too. I’m imagining now that’s it’s a pretty universal experience for someone to think their waiter or waitress is attractive. Maybe more universal that it occurs while at the table with your parents, certainly the place where I feel most capable of turning on my charm. I’m hopeless. Which is maybe a good thing, because trying to flirt with your waitress is definitely inappropriate. Cute girl has a job to do and it doesn’t involve handling my insecurities. I hope my dad tipped well…

But at least I saw someone, right? Alexa would be the first of several unexpected people I’d encounter along the trail where I thought, “oh”. But this was a sort of jaded internal experience. How was I supposed to feel comfortable thinking about new people when I’d been hurt by someone finding a new person and had hurt someone else when I found a new person? How was I supposed to feel about the fact that some combination of my body/mind/heart was excited by someone new? I hated the flippancy with which my last relationship had been treated in the aftermath of its closure (I recognize this probably doesn’t make sense to you but it does to me). I was so lonely. So tired. Just walking all day. Now here I was watching Alexa ask my mom if she wanted another iced tea.

There’s a Catholic priest named Richard Rohr I like a lot. He’s thoughtful and kind, and he finds ways of describing his Christian worldview in ways I can actually connect with. He shows up every now and then on podcasts I listen to. Or used to listen to. Anyways, when Rohr shows up I usually listen to that episode twice. Or I return to it again later. I don’t intentionally seek his work out, but when it shows up it’s like returning to an old friend.

One of the things he’s talked about, which I’ve found immensely impactful, relates to his sexuality as a Catholic priest. Ok disclaimer time! Talking about the sexuality of religious authorities can be really dangerous and damaging. Abuse happens in religion. All the time. So please take my personal, subjective, and fragile connection to what I understand Richard Rohr to communicate with a grain of salt. I’m just me. I don’t want to cause pain, and understand it’s likely I’ll be doing so without my awareness anyways. If not here than with some other words. Here goes..

Richard Rohr, as a Catholic priest, lives under the expectation of celibacy. He’s dedicated his life to G-d and sacrificed his potential for a movement towards romantic and sexual behaviors. I don’t want to be celibate. Sex can be great. So can being in love. But, when I’m struck by the vast gulf I feel between me and the ability to be compatible with another human being (even a dog, for instance), I often think about how my life may very well be just like Richard’s. I’m not becoming a priest. Hell, I can’t even get a job as a pastor. But I do know what I need to do (at least what I should do next) and that feels a lot like the loss of relationality. So, trigger warning, when I hear Richard Rohr talk about his understanding of living a sort of universal “sexuality” I get it. Ok ok. When Rohr talks about sexuality I’m hearing him talk about what I would call “soul bonding”. Like sure, sex is getting laid. But really it’s not. Sex is about connection, listening, care, vulnerability, intimacy, honoring the other, exploring creativity, and celebrating the explosive effervescence that is life’s ability and willingness to keep on living. And the order of these things matter. You might orgasm, but you don’t get to a mutual explosion of “the effervescence of life” without showing (not just telling) your partner that you listen, you’re safe, you honor, and care, support, and love the other.

So, if I’m about to not get laid for a long time how do I handle the fact that I’m a 27 year human being? Well. I guess I’m hearing Richard Rohr say I should just live in an awareness of the hyper sexuality of every waking moment. Breathe in and out. Water flowing down the creek. You and I are talking about life while eating our forth snickers bar today. The fact that you just brought me my beet salad, Alexa, and that’s going to strengthen and nourish me so I can walk far far away. This doesn’t answer all my questions, especially when they’re really pressing and insistent, but I do think it helps me find the way I can really feel intimate at this point in my life.

I’m noticing right now that I’m thinking about how uncomfortable someone might be while reading this blog. And now I feel uncomfortable thinking about who might read this like the people I’d be hopeful to partner with, or their parents (G-d forbid), or someone who won’t hire me after reading this, or my kids in a few decades. Am I assuring my loneliness, or perhaps my universal connection, by revealing myself? Ah fuck, this became melodramatic as heck. I’m done talking about this and want you to know that I know that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

But let this be said, if only to illuminate what a thruhike is (because that’s what this blog is about, right?). Go walking all day everyday for many days and you too will find yourself lost in the universe that is you. When you arrive I recommend falling onto your warmer side, curling up in a ball, and staying that way until you find yourself on earth again. Hold on tight.