CDT Day 20 (6/7/23)

Miles 503.9 (Red line 618.7)- 514 (Red line 628.8) (10.1 miles)

Verbatim

It’s been an expensive but quite direct and productive day. The only thing that hasn’t gone my way is the fact that the Albuquerque airport wifi really sucks. My phone doesn’t seem to be connecting at all.

I slept horribly last night. My testicle pain was really stinging and burning. It was really bad, and makes me so angry. It’s so frustrating when I’m unable to sleep well. Quality of life instantly reduces to a fraction of what it otherwise could be. Because I didn’t fall asleep until 11 I woke up at 7:10. I’d missed all but 30 minutes of the morning’s cool.. I need to start walking at 5. That adjustment should force me into such a state of exhaustion that I fall asleep at 8. I’ve got to reset the cycle.

Still, from 7:15 until 10 I cranked out 10 miles and a good poop. I walked into the Cuban Cafe at the corner of the highway and ate some delicious breakfast burritos. Two-Step and his cousin Greg were there. They dropped that were making for the REI in Albuquerque. I asked if I could tag along and maybe get dropped off at the airport. Boom! I had a ride. I thought my parents were getting into San Diego tomorrow. But instead it’s today. So, here I am in the airport with an expensive ticket to San Diego. I get a shower and clean clothes tonight. So, that’s awesome. I feel a little awkward about not having showered before my flight. Oh well. Hopefully I’ve got some empty seats next to me.

The stretch from Grants to Cuba was especially beautiful. It was the first time I felt like I was actually on a trail. The desert was scenic. There were a surprising amount of trees. There was a mountain. It was good!

I’m excited to take off from Cuba and head north. The trail stays up pretty high and there’s a surprising amount of trees on the north side of Cuba. It will be good to get into the forest.

I also met Pond Bear in the Cuban Cafe. He’s a big bearded 30’s hiker. Not sure he’s my type. But, good to meet another hiker. I suppose I’ll be falling behind most of these people while on this break. I’ll try and catch up again.

I talked to David and Kathy in the airport. They’re from Vancouver Canada and were very pleasant company. Now that I think of it, I’ve also been texting Tristian. His spelling is atrocious (kind of like mine..). His texting has been the most consistent of the trip so far. Which I like. It’s good to always have time for Tristian. I was encouraging him to hike Katadhin with me next summer. Although, the Georges were talking about moving down south. I’m not sure if there’ll be a chance next summer.

I didn’t end up seeing Thomas in town today. I was in and out of Cuba so fast. I wonder what’s happened to him since last night. Did he get rained on? Did he make it up the climb? Thomas described himself as an anxious person. He manifested this concern in the desert by caring waaaaay too much water. Probably 7 liters over a 7 mile stretch. His water bladder was 3-4 liters. I counted two smart bottles on either side of his bag. Why are people so concerned about water in the desert? If you don’t have it you can move quickly. If you don’t have it drink your pee. Then start worrying. Trust Guthooks. Thomas can’t imagine the freedom of a light pack. The weight of the water is what’s making him so anxious. I told him to please not carry water into town. I have a feeling he probably did.

Post Note

Never carry water into town. You know it’s going to be there waiting for you because it’s a town. And on the CDT going into town means walking 5-10 miles of asphalt to get there as often as not because that’s the CDT (don’t skip the road walks!!!). Don’t walk with that water weight on the asphalt.. please!

I was heading to San Diego for my brother’s residency graduation. No better reason to get off trial. Though, if you have a loved one on trail, please don’t ask them to get off trail unless it’s a meaningful reason. It’s really hard! Graduations are totally legitimate reasons. So are weddings, though I did skip the wedding I was invited to later this summer.. But man. It was so stressful feeling anxious about getting to the airport on time and finding the right flight and understanding which town I was going to hitch from to get to the airport. Maybe I wasn’t so anxious about catching a flight. But I was definitely anxious about the social ramifications that would show up to plague my relationships if I didn’t catch a flight and didn’t then show that I was really anxious about not catching a flight. Does that make sense?

And then all momentum evaporates when you’re not on trail. Your friends keep moving, but you have to pick back up where you left off. You get really sleepy and tired. You remember how good creature comforts are. Getting off trail can be tough.

I remember texting L, it must have been the day before. I’d messaged to thank her for mailing home my stuff. I wasn’t angry in that moment. Nor was I particularly interested in her. The last time I’d expressed any interest I’d been blindsided and left in the ditch. I did want to say goodbye without being so angry. I don’t know that I remember much of the conversation, but I do remember that I said something like “I’ll be cheering you on” and then used a “hug emoji”. You know, the one with the two humanoid silhouettes holding each other? I felt ok about that final text. Then L responded indicating the same sentiment and sending back the same emoji. I hated that she’d just reused my words. Like, those were my words to you not your words to me. Get your own words. Show me you’re doing your own thinking. But more vividly I can remember an internal voice yelling “Don’t touch me!” when I saw the emoji. I felt sick and then I got angry. And then I was thankful I didn’t have to message her anymore. I resolved that if all I could say to L was something negative then I would never say it. I was still being wracked daily by the “should or shouldn’t I” of post break-up life. Sometimes those internal discussions would rage for hours, souring most of what could otherwise have been a good day. I was angry. I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I just wanted to be left alone.

Don’t touch me! How interesting that I felt like I needed to give a hug but did not want to receive one. The emoji, let me look at it now.. yeah. It has both humanoids hugging each other.

Somewhere along the line I learned that I needed to have my own physical space, and that others need to respect that. I don’t let people touch my bed (My childhood friends would make a point of jumping on my bed when they came over to play just because they knew I’d hate it and then have to rewash my sheets before sleeping. Screw you William and Daniel. Thanks for encouraging me to learn how to do my own laundry). Maybe there’s something to thruhiking and physicality that I like. Lots of room for personal space. You can always just walk away. Don’t get me wrong. I’m as desperate for “body” (in all its aspects) as any other human. I just have to want to share that with you. If I don’t then I really don’t.