CDT Day 16 (6/3/23)

Miles 392.3 (Red line 509.1)- 419.5 (Red line 536.3) (27.2 miles)

Verbatim

Today is undoubtedly one of the hardest days on trail so far. I’ve walked 21 pavement miles by 4pm, resupplied, eaten three town meals, pooped three times and a fourth incident of pooping myself, and popped a right heel blister that screams out in pain. Pooping so much has given me the beginnings of butt chaff, my arch nemesis. I also walked about six miles this morning with a bit of fecal material present between my cheeks since I’d pooped myself just a bit while peeing shortly after my initial first poop. I didn’t have any bidet water left after my first poop. I was unable to clean myself.

So now I’m tired, and I’m in a lot of different pains in a lot of different ways while moving, and in a general heightened sense of discomfort while not moving. I could really use some trees. I could really use a day off. Both are coming.

It turned out to be a great evening! After I wrote the above paragraphs I took my shorts off, yes right next to the trail, and soaped up my hands and cleaned my butt! It worked wonders for the rest of the evening. The shadows had lengthened by the time I took off, so even the 1000ft ascent felt cooler than the flat before. I breezed up and over and onto the flat plate which skirt the south side of Mt. Taylor. There I rang the bell (rumored to set a curse upon you) and walked towards the tree line!

I just set my tarp up for the first time! The wind picked up and it’s looking like a shower might roll through. So I hurried up and set it up. It’s tight like the tent was. It’s breezy without the netting. But it’s good to be back in this setup. I’m camped on a fine bed of twigs and needles. It’s soft as a feather and quite insulatory. Its a very cozy sight tucked next to this pinion pine. I love being near the trees! I’m excited to head up a mountain tomorrow.

I think monsoon season, or at least afternoon thundershower season, is picking up here in the SouthWest. Two beds of clouds have formed near Grants the last two days. It’s really miraculous to see the clouds seemingly instantly appear. The rain has been fun! I was in the grocery store, Smith’s, during the hour of rain today. It was funny, the overhead speakers in the store played “thunder sounds” overhead once the rain began. IT’S RAINING! The first few drops just fell. Let’s see how this tarp does! While I was in the store I was confused by the sounds. Was it really thundering? No. Just rain and small town vibes.

I filled up my bottle in the gas station and was chatted up by the clerk named Adaline(?). She said she’d hiked the trail but quit after breaking her leg in CO. I didn’t believe her.

Post Note

This is where it gets really bad. When you chaff in front and in behind. There’s no escape. Because to release one area of friction implies strengthening the amount of friction in its opposite.

This would be a good time to illucidate my favorite piece of trail equipment. It’s called the Culo (Spanish for a$$) Clean. I like to call it the bidet blaster 5000. You shoulda seen me in the Gila. I was a dangerous man. I can get like 15 feet of distance on that thing with a one-liter smart waterbottle. With a 1.5-liter its more. You can buy one here: https://culoclean.com

I recommend the Culo Clean for personal use and White Elephant Christmas parties. It’s fun to watch people figure out what it is and how to use it. They come in cool colors, though I’m a fan of black myself (good hiking style).

The bidet blaster 5000 is a plug you slip into the mouth of a standard single use waterbottle. It seals tight around the edges and has a small 90 degree opening across the side of the plug. You fill the bottle, insert the bidet, flip it over and squeeze. Out comes a beautiful flow of crystal water! The bidet is a back country miracle. Gone are dry piles of poop. Gone are dry pieces of toilet paper. Gone is the need for toilet paper (although I still use some).

Here’s how to poop in the woods. Anticipate the need. Try to get ahead of the moment. You’re going to have to dig a hole in the dirt with your trekking pole (though it is acceptable to poop first and dig after as long as you’re willing to shift your shit). So, pay attention to your bowels and have at least a third of a liter of spare water ready to be used for anal cleansing.

Dig a hole! And dig it fast! Pro tip; if you poop immediately and desperately upon waking like I do on a thruhike then dig the hole the night before. Squat and enjoy the fact that you’re pooping the way that your body is designed to rather than sitting on that porcelain throne. It can be a hard balancing act, but you can always sit against a tree or rock or log. Although, I wouldn’t recommend those things. It can be a real pain to dig a hole in the burl of tree roots. Likewise, you wouldn’t want to take an emergency poop while leaning against a rock only to realize you can’t dig a hole next to your poop because the rock extends beneath the ground.. Moving poop more than four to six inches sets you up for a really… profound memory. I recommend balancing. It’s good for you. Bring a trekking pole if you need the assistance. You’ll get better with practice. Trust me.

Poop! And then sit for a while and look around. It’s generally pretty nice out. And you’re, if only for a moment, not moving. Which as a thruhiker is a pretty profound moment too. It’s also good to feel so exposed and vulnerable in the woods. We tromp through the place like we’re top dog. But when your butts hanging out its a different sort of perspective. Closer to the ground. Unable to easily turn behind you. Embarrassed to be seen. Puts us in our place. But some aren’t so timid. I’ve heard of thruhikers who promise their families and friends a New Years calendar full of pictures from the trip. The catch, for the amusement of all when informed upon receiving the calendar, is that only pictures which were taken while pooping were be included in the selection. For the rest of the year everyone is sharing the brilliant photographed vistas taken while Lying Irish was pooping. So yeah, take a look around.

Then you get to the fun part. You get to use your Culo Clean! Flip the bottle and angle the bidet so the flow is most hygienic, effective, and pleasurable(?) and squeeze! Remember. Firm but not hard. If you can feel the water pressure on your cheeks you’re missing the mark. Ideally you don’t want to feel it. At least I can’t when I’m doing it well. Take a wipe with your preferred material and check. Things looking clean? One more squeeze. One more wipe. Tadah! Try not to get your butt cheeks wet. That can lead to chaff. Be dry, cleansed of salt build up and excrement!

Now, stand up and put your clothes back on. If you need to shift your poop into the hole do that now. Use a stick. Take the hand you wiped with and wash it with the remaining spare water over the hole you dug. Wet both your poop and toilet paper (if used) with the water which falls from your hand. Now you get to make a poop soup! Take the stick and stir it all together. Once homogenized you should cover the remaining sludge with dirt and tamp it down. Beware! If your hole wasn’t deep enough, you used too much water, or the soil wasn’t absorptive enough your little mountain of dirt might explode. If it does you might get some sludge on your shoe. That’s fine, you’re about to walk 10 miles so it will come off and be scrubbed free. Just cover the sludge with fresh dirt. Throw the stick far from the trail. Sanitize your hands. Pack up and leave! Good job! A wonderful plant will soon be growing thanks to your intestines hard work and your practicing these insightful and generative instructions.