CDT Day 8 (5/26/23)

Miles 174.3 (Pink line mile 5)- 198.8 (Pink line mile 29.5) (24.5 miles)

Verbatim

I’ve been thinking of all the ways I wish things could be different. Mostly this sort of reflection centers on things I wish that I had done differently. I’ll map it out in a second, but first let me describe its culmination in my ugly sobbing on the two mile hell bent descent down to the Gila River. I fell apart on the descent and was literally crying out for things to be different. I’m so distraught to leave this girl and this family behind.

At the root of my solving was a question: where has the joy of life gone? I can’t remember feeling energized joyfulness since about this time last year. I think. Maybe it was even the year before on the PCT. Without that joy it’s hard to make things happen for yourself and for other people. If there was joy I would charge down these miles with smiles. As it is the miles just seem a preoccupation from wallowing along in my pain. Or maybe they’re the opportunity to wallow in my pain while simultaneously providing me the opportunity to fool myself into thinking I’m doing something productive.

The birds are singing. The water is gurgling. The horse is chewing and rumbling.

I wish I had not been so preoccupied with thruhiking and instead had asked L how we could have explored together this summer. I wish I had hiked the whole CDT last summer and instead had done CPE in Eugene with my car. The — hours to — would have cost the same amount of time and money as the train from Portland, but would have given me control and power. I wish I had been without my bike so as to not have been hit. Presumably the Eugene CPE program would have been less intense than the Portland one and I would have had more time and energy for L. I wish I had called — and told — to hire L ASAP. I wish I had broken up with M sooner, so as to make it a non-issue with L and to easier tell M I was with someone else.

But there was no joy. No energy to get up and call L or buy her flowers or train on a whim or FaceTime happily. It was all just depressed pain in the basement.

I stopped early to write. Although it’s taken me some time to get to writing. I stripped down to all but my shoes and socks and bathed in the river. That felt very fresh and nice. I came up with a dozen or so little leeches wiggling around on my body. At least in the places I can see… I picked them off and generally rubbed the areas of my body I can’t see.

I set up my cowboy camp on a rock… positioned perfectly under my pelvis area. I’ll be sleeping the “work around” all night through. I’d chosen a bed for the aerated fresh pine needles upon which to camp. Because they’re so fluffy they’re warm and soft. But, you can’t tell what’s underneath until it’s too late.

L should be staying at some mutual friend’s tonight. I wonder if she still is… I’d like to talk to call our friends tomorrow if I have service. But, if L is there I will have to wait for another weekend upon which I’m lucky enough to have service.

I was plagued by all the mistakes I’ve made. I regret joining with L on the PCT. I should have caught up, told her I was interested but had to close some things off first, and kept hiking. Then I should have gone home —————. I can’t believe I didn’t see this as an option. It could have changed everything.

I saw so many animals today!

• Black bear more (very small) and two cubs scared up a tree.

• Fire red marsupial things of which I have no idea.

• A ton of horses and their riders. Kids on horses maybe 7-10 years old riding down that steep rocky descent to the Gila!

• Andrew’s Rottweiler named Stump on account of his docked tail. Two and a half years old. And adorable.

Post Note

Let’s talk layman’s terms about Internal Family Systems (IFS) and “parts.” Within each human being, according to my understanding of IFS, is a multiplicity of “parts.” We are legion. Understanding this helps put words around our contradictory internal experience. It’s totally valid to want two different things at the same time because there are two different “parts” with different wants and needs expressing themselves.

Now, here’s something about parts. Every internal part, or voice, is your ally and friend. This is fundamental to a compassionate IFS understanding. Your parts are your friends. They are always trying to help. This is true even when they’re hurting you, as when a part might provide you with feelings of shame. IFS maintains that your parts are willing to hurt you as a last ditch effort to save you from pain and to save your life. For example… You’ve experience relational trauma. You almost died! That was scary and it terrified your internal family of parts. These parts will do everything they can to protect you from experiencing that pain again. Even if it means shaming you and calling you names. Maybe your relational pain came at a moment when you revealed yourself to another in vulnerability. Your pain is tied to how that experience of vulnerability went so wrong. Your family of parts resolves to never ever let you put you in that position again. And so, any time you begin to anticipate or, G-d forbid, even want a moment of vulnerability, some part inside you might start to scream: “You’re not worth it! You would never be worth someone’s time or care or concern. Your vulnerability is weak and vapid. Do not ever be vulnerable again!”

Your part is shaming you to preserve you from the danger that is vulnerability. Why? Because your part cannot let you be hurt again by another. The irony is, of course, that the part which shames to protect you is, in fact, perpetuating the same harm which another had initially inflicted upon you. Ah damn, I’m tearing up while I write this. We all fuck each other up so badly.

Okay. Thanks for coming to my brief TED talk about how I understand IFS. Point is… the above journal entry really exhibits the oscillation I was experiencing on trail relating to my relational life. I mean gosh, the day before I was so empowered to finally leave a relationship which was harmful for both myself and the woman I loved. Then here I am the next day, when a different part has come to speak and be heard, wishing I could turn history upside down and mend my ways.

Let me be clear, since so much of the weight I carried on this trip was emotional and my flavorful expressions about my relational life are going to keep coming up. L is awesome. I loved her, and in some ways always will; insofar as we will always, in some way, love those with whom we shared our hearts. I sacrificed so much of my life because L is incredible. She totally was incredible. And she still is incredible! Honestly, I was the one who fucked it all up. I’ll happily take 51% of the blame. Yes, she made choices that hurt me. But hey! People grow up and live and learn. That’s certainly what I’ve done. So, more power to you, L. I’m cheering you on!

Also. **** ***.

See? Parts at work. A multiplicity which is really hard to manage, and can be really damaging. We’re responsible for monitoring the way our parts express themselves to other people even as we’re responsible for letting our parts express themselves fully within our own being. So, I apologize. It is inappropriate, actually I think it’s abusive, for me to write something like “I’m cheering you on! Also. **** ***.” That 180 is so violent.

Alas. Here I am. I write to be true to myself and to illustrate what I’m trying to convey at your expense. I’m presumably doing a bad job of being “responsible for monitoring the way (my) parts express themselves to other people” since I’m sharing them with you here on this blog. I’m sorry.