CDT Day 3 (5/21/23)
Miles 44.7-69.1 (24.4 miles)
Verbatim
Why am I here in this Fucking Desert? To take things one day at a time and to really let the desert erode and wear myself down. Here I build the strength to stand up again and enjoy life.
Right now I’m feeling so so sorry for the extended period of time where I didn’t tell M about L, and where I continued to talk with ——. I am so so sorry. I wept.
I just talked with Daniel and then with Phillip. Both good conversations. I’ve also been thinking about the cows down here in the New Mexico boot heel. Every inch of land is utilized for ranching in the Southwest.
I’m also thinking now about settling into the trail. Phillip talks a lot about finding one’s center and silence being an indication that such a centeredness exists. It’s really silent out here. Just the bugs flitting around.
This first siesta has been a good one. I did lots of chores like cleaning my pot and spoon, brushing my teeth and then sunning my brush, and pooping. I think my knee is up for another 12. That will make 25 miles, which would be a good strong day.
I made it to camp. I’m noticing my left knee ligament is really weak. I think it may be connected to my bike crash.
Post Note
I remember that siesta! The only shade to be had from the unrelenting sun was under a hiking kiosk which had an informational map about the CDT. Who the hell was in the boot heel excited about taking a hike in the brushy brush and red stones of the desert? Well. They could learn about the CDT. I certainly did.
I remember pooping. There was no cover except the small chaparral bushes to guard me from the highway. A couple cars screamed by. No problem. I rinsed and wiped and sanitized and was done. Cover the hole and step on it. Maybe a bigger bush is growing from my fertilizer to guard the next hiker sharing with the trail.
Also. Fuck the desert. That’s exactly what all those cows are doing. The “free range” “grass fed” beef we raise in this country comes at the direct cost of one of the most fragile and intricate ecosystems we’ve got. Seriously. Please stop eating beef. Go walk the CDT and see the cows stooped under the sun away from which I also desperately sheltered. Watch the cows blink beneath a torrent of insects lapping and biting at the wetness of their asses, noses, mouths, and eyes.
Also. Fuck me. I really felt what I wrote in my journal at the time. And it was right to feel that. I messed up. But damn, reading it now makes me want to edit. It was apparent who I was. Living under the expectations of another is sucky.
(I’m returning now to this entry again to edit before its posting. I felt the same urge to edit all over again. I’m so disappointed in myself. You probably can’t read why or how I’m disappointed from my nebulous journal ramblings, but trust me when I say I am. Disappointed at all different angles and with 180’s and twists. But here’s to not editing, so that you can speculate and take what you will from the words I left myself).